Marriage

Stand Up and Be Counted

by Alex on May 10, 2013

This Shabbat, we read the portion of the Torah called Bamidbar (Numbers 1:1-4:2). In this section, the Israelites conduct a census of themselves.

Why do they count? (Besides the fact that God told them to).

Counting matters because it’s taking stock of what’s present. And, more importantly, being counted signifies that one wishes to be included. Allowing oneself to be counted means stepping forward to assert not only one’s rights but also to accept one’s responsibilities.

I think of this, as we approach Mother’s Day, for, if nothing else, it is mom who day in and day out steps forward to say, here I am, to be counted, and to take on the full range of duties that she has signed up for.

So, here’s to moms everywhere for standing up and being counted.

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A Pair of Security Guards Is The Best Relationship

by Alex on April 21, 2013

Marriage is about sleeping well together and watching tv well together. That’s why a pair of security guards is the best relationship:

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One On Demand Movie Too Many

by Alex on April 16, 2013

Like so many other families, we are dealing with the tough economy, with rising household expenses and incomes that don’t keep up. But, I have to say, the other thing that does us in is that I always on-demand 1 movie too many. You know how it goes. I justify it by saying, “we’re actually saving money. At the theaters, this movie would’ve cost us $25. At home, we can watch it together for $5. We’re saving $20 by watching this movie. Plus another $10 from the popcorn and the drinks. Watching this movie is saving us $30”

Problem is it doesn’t really work that way. When you’re dating, you watch 1 or 2 movies a month and then you do other things. When you’re married with a toddler, there are no other things. TV is your thing. So, now it’s not like we’re saving $30 or $60 a month for 2 movies. Now it’s like we just got our cable bill, and it’s got like $150 worth of on-demand movies. Now, all of a sudden, I have to figure out whether the IRS is gonna believe that the most recent Judd Apatow Bromance was a legitimate business expense.

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Coming Home from Road Trip

by Alex on April 14, 2013

There’s nothing quite like a business trip to exhaust you. There’s the driving, and the business, and the hotel with windows that don’t open, and the guys down the hall doing God knows what.

So, it was this weekend. Drove a grand total of 17 hours in just more than a day. It was enough to make me want to sleep for a week.

The only redeeming thing was what I got to come home to:

And, then, once I settled in, all the problems came rushing back:

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Family Weekend

by Alex on March 30, 2013

This weekend, our family is spending lots of “quality time” together. As a result of that, we found out a lot about each other:

1. “Quality time” is overrated.

2. If someone chooses to leave the bathroom door open when they use it, that’s one thing. If you open it while they’re using it, that’s another.

3. If you and your spouse say to each other at meal time, “I don’t know. What do you want?” more than 3 times each, you’re probably going to have an argument

4. Saying “I think someone pooped” won’t make the diaper magically change itself.

5. Even though walking with a toddler requires walking half as fast as you ordinarily would, it makes you twice as tired.

6. Toddlers get start and stop crying faster than a race car can start and stop driving.

7. When your spouse says, “enough, it’s not funny anymore” you should believe them the first time.

8. There’s never anything good on tv on the weekends, when you’re home and actually would appreciate something good to watch.

9. The “fish-face” is always funny

10. Everybody farts . . . and that’s not always funny

The fish-face is always funny

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If We Won Powerball

by Alex on March 26, 2013

It was announced that one person won the recent $338 Powerball drawing.

That person was not me.

However, if it were me, suffice to say that my wife and I, along with our 19-month old son, Ivan would make good use of the money. In fact, Ivan and I sat down together and came up with what that would be:

1. Buy stuff

2. Buy more stuff

3. Move to a bigger, nicer home.

4. Buy some more stuff

5. Definitely hire a driver.

6. Sleep late (me)

7. Hire all the Sesame Street characters to come do a private show at our home (Ivan)

8. Spa day (my wife)

9. First class trip to Europe and then islands in the South Pacific (my wife and me, and Ivan, too, though he doesn’t know what Europe is just yet)

10. Never work again (all of us)

So, that’s our list. What would you do?

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Marriage And Your Appearance

by Alex on March 13, 2013

Marriage affects your looks:

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Valentine’s Day for the Average Dad

by Alex on February 14, 2013

Today is Valentine’s Day. You know this no matter your relationship status.

For married dads out there, Valentine’s Day presents some unique challenges. Valentine’s Day is a day, supposedly, of romance. But, there’s not much that’s romantic about being a dad, especially about being a dad of a toddler.

So, for dads out there, here are a couple of rules for the average dad on Valentine’s Day.

1. Today is not the day to offer helpful or constructive criticism.

2. Yes, we all know it’s a stupid holiday, but playing along is like eating vegetables, just do it. It’s good for you.

3. If she wants to watch something on tv that makes your eyes bleed and your ears melt, smile, give her a quick neck rub, then grab a drink and tell her you’re gonna leave her to her shows while you take care of some work and some bills on the computer. Makes you look sensitive and like you’re getting it done at the same time.

4. When you opt to watch porn instead of pay bills online make sure you finish before Project Runway/Top Chef/Keeping up with the Kardashians, otherwise the new reality show is gonna be “Husband With Surprised Look on His Face Holds His Johnson”

5. Keep farts to minimum. Not saying you can’t let one rip, but you might consider heading to the bathroom first.

6. Similarly, today is not the day to see how far you can fling your boogers.

7. Flowers are nice, but it’s also for amateurs. If you wash the dishes, take out the garbage and either wash or fold the laundry, you’ll get way more gold stars.

8. By the way, expensive gifts are not required. But a card is. Forget the card and you can be sure you will be in the doghouse for at least a week.

9. Oral sex isn’t your birthright on this day, but, be aware, it could occur. So make sure you shower at least once each Valentine’s Day.

10. Not saying you should put booze in jr.’s bottle, but you might want to consider dropping a little eyedropper full of Benadryl in there. Remember, a sleeping baby is a happy – and possibly sexually active – parent.

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Thanksgiving Preparations

by Alex on November 21, 2012

As we get into the 11th hour of Thanksgiving preparations, our 15-month old son, Ivan, is taking the lead. Here was the list of chores he left for me to take care of:

1. Clean the house

2. Take out the garbage

3. Take out the recycling.

4. Take a shower

5. Use soap.

6. Brush your teeth (twice)

7. Buy Mommy something nice (or, at least, buy her something she needs and doesn’t have time to go get)

8. Don’t get in the way

9. Wish your family and friends Happy Thanksgiving and mean it (don’t just say it to get it over with)

10. Stop complaining and be thankful for pete’s sake. You live in America. Not in a jail in a brutal dictatorship.

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Life Before Baby

by Alex on August 10, 2012

Our son is almost a year old. It’s just a little more than a week till his first birthday. My wife and I are both very excited. We wouldn’t trade this upcoming moment or the life with our son for anything.

Still . . . every so often we do think about life before baby. We wouldn’t go back there, but it was nice to have a day where we could sleep in, go out, and be able to think about a day without having to wonder about cutting stuff short because “it’s someone’s nap time.”

And, what really made me think of this is when I came across this photo: