Today is Valentine’s Day. You know this no matter your relationship status.
For married dads out there, Valentine’s Day presents some unique challenges. Valentine’s Day is a day, supposedly, of romance. But, there’s not much that’s romantic about being a dad, especially about being a dad of a toddler.
So, for dads out there, here are a couple of rules for the average dad on Valentine’s Day.
1. Today is not the day to offer helpful or constructive criticism.
2. Yes, we all know it’s a stupid holiday, but playing along is like eating vegetables, just do it. It’s good for you.
3. If she wants to watch something on tv that makes your eyes bleed and your ears melt, smile, give her a quick neck rub, then grab a drink and tell her you’re gonna leave her to her shows while you take care of some work and some bills on the computer. Makes you look sensitive and like you’re getting it done at the same time.
4. When you opt to watch porn instead of pay bills online make sure you finish before Project Runway/Top Chef/Keeping up with the Kardashians, otherwise the new reality show is gonna be “Husband With Surprised Look on His Face Holds His Johnson”
5. Keep farts to minimum. Not saying you can’t let one rip, but you might consider heading to the bathroom first.
6. Similarly, today is not the day to see how far you can fling your boogers.
7. Flowers are nice, but it’s also for amateurs. If you wash the dishes, take out the garbage and either wash or fold the laundry, you’ll get way more gold stars.
8. By the way, expensive gifts are not required. But a card is. Forget the card and you can be sure you will be in the doghouse for at least a week.
9. Oral sex isn’t your birthright on this day, but, be aware, it could occur. So make sure you shower at least once each Valentine’s Day.
10. Not saying you should put booze in jr.’s bottle, but you might want to consider dropping a little eyedropper full of Benadryl in there. Remember, a sleeping baby is a happy – and possibly sexually active – parent.