Politics

The GOP and Public Television

by Alex on March 19, 2013

If you remember the 2012 Presidential Election, you’ll remember that at one point, the GOP candidate, Mitt Romney, said he’d like Big Bird but he was going to vote to cut funding for PBS.

 

Well, as Mr. Romney found out, you can’t go after Big Bird, Elmo, Cookie, Grover, Bert & Ernie, and Oscar without consequences.  Indeed, it was his undoing (that and the whole “47% comment” and bad policies).

 

However, had Mr. Romney paid closer attention, he might’ve learned something from PBS, and, more specifically, Sesame Street.  He might’ve learned how to count (for example, learning to properly count polling data might’ve helped the GOP prepare better), he might’ve learned how to share (for example, sharing the wealth and letting poor people get out of poverty), and he might’ve learned a little bit about people of color (for example, that they have rights, like the right to vote, which they do choose to exercise).

 

I thought of this these last couple of days as I’ve been reading about the GOP’s memos to itself about how to “fix” the party.  Well, there’s a whole laundry list of ways to do that, but one might be to gain some cultural sensitivity about how people unlike themselves live and love and get along without being born into wealth and privilege.

 

And, toward that end (and because my wife and I are an interracial family with a Biracial son who loves Sesame Street), I offer up this video for Mitt Romney’s and the GOP’s consideration:

 

 

{ 2 comments }

The Song Remains the Same

by Alex on March 18, 2013

In the news today are reports about 10 ways that the Republicans say they went wrong in 2012.  I have 1o more:

 

1. Choosing a rich, White, stuffed-shirt as your Presidential nominee. You want a White shirt, go to the store.

 

2.  Treating poor people and minorities like they are gum on the bottom of your shoe is a mistake.  You can do everything you can think of to stop people from voting, but if you treat them like sh*t, they’re gonna make voting against you job 1.

 

3. Taking news facts from Fox News.  Fox news is entertaining, but it’s not news.  It’s reality television without the good manners.  Don’t rely on it for news.

 

4. Having guac and chips at your national convention isn’t demonstrating your pro-Latino cred.

 

5.  Similarly, if you want to show how pro-Latino you are, next time don’t trot out a fat, doughy geek like Marco Rubio as your poster child.  If someone didn’t pick on him as a child, they ought to now.  Also, give him a drink of water.

 

6. Stop letting Sarah Palin speak for you.  If you have to have her at the conventions, you should have a phone sex operator do the voiceover for her.  Then, at least the pathetic horny White dudes in your party will be hearing from her what they expect her to be saying.

 

7.  Just because Paul Ryan was defeated in his bid to become Vice President, and his economic plan was wildly unpopular through 2012 doesn’t mean he shouldn’t keep trotting it out as the next great idea . . . .  Wait, yes it does.  Tell that guy to sit down somewhere.

 

8.  Rand Paul is just as nuts as hid did . . . if not more so.

 

9.  If you’re gonna be against spending, be against spending. Don’t be against spending except when you’re in favor of spending, which is all the time except as it benefits people with Brown skin.

 

10.  Stop choosing your presidential nominee based on whose turn it is.

 

{ 0 comments }

Finding the American Dream

by Alex on March 17, 2013

 

As the Dow Jones continues to climb, unemployment rates remain stubbornly high.  So, as usual, fat cats are getting fatter and the rest of us thin cats are getting ever thinner — darn near anorexic.

 

What happened to the American Dream:

 

 

{ 0 comments }

Hey, That’s Not Fair

by Alex on March 11, 2013

In today’s news it was reported that the U.S. has demanded that China cease “hacking” American companies’ computer systems.

 

To which the Chinese responded “Not touching you, can’t get mad.”  Then the new Chinese Premier Li Keqiang stuck out his tongue and said, “nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah.”

 

In response to that, the United States said “Hey, no fair.”

 

And, the Chinese said, “What are you going to do? Tattle to the U.N.?”

 

And, the U.S., pouting, said, “Nooooo.  Just quit it.”

 

The Chinese said, “Make me.”

 

The Americans said, “No, just stop being so immature and quit it.”

 

At which point Premier Li stuck his tongue out, put his pinkies in his ears and wiggled his other fingers.

 

At this point, President Obama said, “Stop being such a baby.”

 

“Stop being such a baby,” repeated Premier Li in a mocking tone.

 

“I’m not a baby, you are,” responded President Obama.

 

“I’m not a baby, you are,” repeated Premier Li, again in a tone dripping with mockery.

 

“Will you cut it out?” Demanded President Obama.

 

“Will you cut it out?” Repeated Premier Li, smiling as he realized he was getting Mr. Obama’s goat.

 

“Stop copying me,” said the President.

 

“Stop copying me,” wailed Mr. Li, an evil twinkle in his eye.

 

“Noooo, stooooooooop,” whined Mr. Obama.

 

“Noooo, stooooooooop,” parroted Mr. Li.

 

“You’re a jerk,” said President Obama.

 

“No, you’re a jerk,” said Premier Li.

 

“No, you are,” said Obama.

 

“No, you,” said Li.

 

“No, you are,” said Mr. Obama.  “And, your country doesn’t honor or protect human rights.”

 

“Yeah,” said Li.  “Well, at least we’re not broke, and I can get something done without having to smooch Mitch McConnell’s butt or apply suntan lotion to John Boehner’s rear-end.”

 

“Oh, yeah,” Mr. Obama said.  “Well, at least my people are free to surf the Internet as much as they please without government censorship.”

 

To which Mr. Li said, “Yeah, I know.  We’re hacking all their accounts.”

 

After reading about Chinese hacking of U.S. companies, our son, Ivan, was quick to say "hey, that's not fair."
After reading about Chinese hacking of U.S. companies, our son, Ivan, was quick to say “hey, that’s not fair.”

{ 0 comments }

The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

by Alex on March 3, 2013

TODAY’S POLITICAL NEWS:

 

Here are today’s top political stories:

 

1. Mitt Romney said he lost the Presidential Election of 2012 because he and his campaign failed to connect with minority voters.  When asked why this was, Mr. Romney said he thought it might have been because of the light reflecting off his alabaster-White skin, which may have blinded some voters.  That and his bad ideas and policies.

 

2. The White House and Republicans in Congress continued their standoff over budget cuts and the so-called “Sequester” (a made-up term that no one understands).  In remarks today, President Obama said he wanted a “balanced approach” including taxes on the rich who can “afford their fair share.” In response, Speaker John Boehner said that the GOP wanted to cut spending for “all these annoying poor people who just have their hands out.”  Then, they both went home in their chaffeur-driven limos, had lunch served by their personal wait-staffs and looked up their respective million-dollar stock holdings.

 

Tune in next week for TODAY’S POLITICAL NEWS, which will basically be the same as this week’s.

 

{ 0 comments }

Sequester This

by Alex on February 25, 2013

 

We’re just days away from the infamous “Sequester” when automatic spending cuts that were supposedly too horrible to contemplate will go into effect.  For those not following this drama, the GOP and the Democrats agreed to Sequester in the belief that these cuts were so awful, so inconceivable that, in the face of them happening, the two sides would agree to a budget deal that would avoid them.

 

So much for believing in the reasonableness of members of Congress.

 

So, now, here we are just days away from Sequester, when cuts in the budget that will happen will have horrific effects on ordinary people.  And, as usual, the cuts will have no impact on members of Congress.  Their salaries won’t be frozen or cut. Their benefits won’t be lost. Their lives will not be changed in any meaningful way except that they’ll probably get more email than usual, which they will then ignore.

 

I tried to explain this to our 18-month old son, Ivan.  I tried to explain how and why the adults are ruining his future.  I was embarrassed.

 

When I finished explaining to Ivan he said, “Bye-bye.”  (which I took to mean, throw the bums out of office).

 

As usual out of the mouths of babes, come true wisdom.

 

 

{ 0 comments }

Kids Are The China of Family

by Alex on February 16, 2013

 

As any married person can tell you, marriage is tough.  The very fact of being married challenges your relationship with your partner.

 

Add in kids, and you have even more challenges.  At the same time, however, kids can be like the glue that holds the blocks of a marriage together.  Kids are just like glue, they run all over the place, they’re sticky, and they get into everything.  It’s a big mess.  But, it holds the blocks together.

 

Kids hold marriages and families together in another way too.  In a 2-parent household, the parents are like Democrats and Republicans in Congress.  They’re stuck together under one roof with one another, and most of the time, they bicker and argue and not agree on anything, except, they always agree that something has to be done about China.   And, that’s what kids are –  kids are the Chinese.  Because they get stuff done more quickly and efficiently.  They’re more nimble.  And, they cheat when it’s convenient.

 

Then the parents make speeches about how they’re gonna hold the Chinese responsible for their actions, and the Chinese ignore them and do whatever the Chinese want to do.  And, if you ever challenge them on anything they’re like, “I notice that this wasn’t a problem when you were doing it. But, now, all of a sudden when an emerging power wants to build coal-fired power plants and wants to stay up past curfew to smoke weed and drink, that’s a problem.”

 

So, that’s how kids keep marriages and families together.  Because parents — the Republicans and Democrats — they have very different philosophies about how the world should work, but they agree on one thing for sure — the Chinese are not the big men on campus, despite what the Chinese may think.

 

Our 18-month old son, Ivan, demonstrating his belief that he is, in fact, The Big Man on Campus.
Our 18-month old son, Ivan, demonstrating his belief that he is, in fact, The Big Man on Campus.

{ 0 comments }

State of the Union

by Alex on February 12, 2013

 

Tonight President Obama will give the State of the Union speech.  As a supporter of the President, I am hoping that he will lay out a bold, daring and creative plan to move this country forward to a future of prosperity, equality and a clean, safe environment.

 

Thing is, I’ve become a bit of a cynic over the last 4 years.  It’s not that I think the President isn’t trying.  I believe he is. And, I believe he is well-intentioned.  Somehow, though, good intentions just isn’t enough.

 

So, if I had to guess at what his State of the Union speech will include tonight, this is what I think that would be:

 

1. We’re still broke

 

2. We will pass gun control.  Those who control guns will get a pass.

 

3. Global warming will be addressed.  I will give a major address and another and another.  And, on Christmas, Santa will circle the globe dressed in shorts, a tank-top and flip-flops and riding a jet ski, because the North Pole will have become the new beach getaway.

 

4. The U.S. will withdraw its troops from Afghanistan, except for the thousands of troops that we leave there with no clear mission except to “keep your head down.”

 

5.  We will implement nationwide standards in education.  From 2013 forward, all graduating high school seniors will have to be able to effectively complete a Tweet regardless of syntax, grammar or spelling.

 

6. NASA will continue its efforts to get to Mars; however, in the face of decreasing funds, we will modify the mission to include a field trip to the Mars chocolate factory.

 

7. We will reform campaign finance laws.  From now on, anyone donating more than $1 million to a political campaign, will have to write “bwah-hah-hah” on the “Memo” line of their check.

 

8.  We will enact meaningful immigration reform.   Anyone living in a so-called “red-state” will be able to renounce their citizenship immediately, and anyone who can properly pronounce and translate “Viva Obama!! Ondele! Ondele! Arriba!” will be given automatic U.S. citizenship.

 

9.  In an effort to address political party excess, the Tea Party will be required at each of its functions to serve tea, especially herbal, non-caffeinated, liberal teas that come from vegan communes.

 

10.  I will pass a series of Executive Orders that allow Bill Clinton to be my official spokesman.  Because, while I may currently be enjoying popularity, that guy is the Bruce Springsteen/Prince of politicians.

 

Of course, I hope I’m wrong.  But, in case, I’m right, I just want everyone to know I’m disappointed.   And, I also want the President to know that I’m for hire as a prognosticator or speechwriter.

 

Here you see me trying to do a mind-meld of our son, Ivan, to discern what the President might say tonight. Ivan is biracial like the President, so I thought he might have some special insights.
Here you see me trying to do a mind-meld of our son, Ivan, to discern what the President might say tonight. Ivan is biracial like the President, so I thought he might have some special insights.

{ 0 comments }

LAUGH AT THE BLIZZARD

by Alex on February 9, 2013

 

Well, Mother Nature got us again.  This time, she pulled a blanket of snow over the East Coast.  It’s pretty.  But, as we all know, after about 24-36 hours house-bound with your friends and loved ones, it’s time to get out, get some air, stretch the legs and, of course, get away from watching your loved ones put food in their mouths.

 

And, even though it’s fun to play in the snow, it’s only a matter of time before your feet are freezing.  So, come in out of the cold — but don’t go home!
Come laugh at this blizzard!!  Where and when you ask?  Well, let me tell you.

 

I have a show, tomorrow, February 10 at 8 pm at The Stand Comedy Club: (239 3rd Ave, btw 19th and 20th Streets). Tix available at:  http://thestand.laughstub.com/show.cfm?id=222642&cart

 

Here’s a preview of what you’ll see:

 

 

Hope to see you there.

{ 0 comments }

Gilligan Meets the Oil Industry

by Alex on January 15, 2013

On its website, Shell Oil company talked about the need to drill for oil in the Arctic.  Shell said and says, “We take extra precautions to work safely in Arctic conditions, for example by using extra barriers to prevent oil spills.”

 

Then Shell’s Arctic Oil rig, the Kulluk, ran aground on a rocky shoreline of Southern Alaska.

 

Oops.

 

Guess, those extra precautions weren’t quite good enough.

 

In fairness, the Kulluk’s hull doesn’t seem to have been breached and no oil seems to have leaked.  But, it begs the question, what will Shell’s response be when and if it has a leak.

 

“Oops again.”

 

For if we know one thing, we know this – offshore oil drilling comes with risks of leaks.  Just ask the folks on the shores of the Gulf of Mexico.

 

So, what’s the answer?

 

Personally, I’d ban Arctic oil exploration.  But that’s me.  I’m a New Yorker.  I don’t won a car.  Gas (except for the kind that comes from eating beans) isn’t something I think about every day.

 

But, I’m a realist.  I live in the World.  I know that Arctic oil exploration is unlikely to go away.  So, here’s what I propose.

 

1. If you drill for oil in the Arctic, your ship’s crew must first be able to sing all the words of Gilligan’s Island a cappella.

 

2. If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must first buy and donate to the U.S. Government an area of land and/or water that must remain pristine and free of drilling that is equal or greater in size than the Exxon Valdez spill, and the land and/or water purchased must equal in value at least ¼ of the value you plan to make in profits from the oil you find in your explorations.

 

3.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must post a bond of at least $10 billion to cover at least the initial the costs of cleanup, remediation and restoration for the inevitable oil spill that occurs as a result of your operations.

 

4.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must first select the actors who will portray your workers in the movie about your soon-to-occur Arctic Oil Exploration accident.

 

5.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must actually pay corporate income taxes.

 

6.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you may not use the phrases “environmentally conscious” or “socially conscious” on your website or in any of your public comments.

 

7.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must live in the Arctic in the same conditions as the people on whose land your are drilling.

 

8.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must report in public the actual risks of an oil spill at any given moment of your operations.

 

9.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must donate to a Climate Change education and/or prevention effort an amount equal in dollars to that which you are spending on drilling operations.

 

10.  If you drill for oil in the Arctic, you must spend at least as much time at the dentist having your teeth drilled as you do drilling for oil.

 

{ 2 comments }

← Previous Entries

MY TAKE ON: