My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 5 months old, and we love him dearly. Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.
Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).
Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips. He calls the newsletter:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#42):
1. My husband and I have a 5 month old baby, and he just got diaper rash. How did this happen? My guess is that your child has a special condition known as Poopus Acidus, which means that your baby’s poop is even more acidic than the blood of one of those creatures from Alien. If you even touch your baby’s poop, your fingers will melt off. If you wanted to break into a bank vault, all you’d have to do would be to touch your baby’s poop against the lock of the vault and — PRESTO! — the vault would open. Alternatively, it could just be that you stink as a parent and you forgot to change your baby’s diaper because you were too busy watching the Giant game go into overtime to notice that your baby was in distress.
2. On the topic of diaper rash, do you have any suggested remedies? My preferred method is an incantation — “Tushy raw. Tushy red. Mellow out, so I can go to bed.” Say that 100 times fast. Than slather your baby in Triple Paste, drink a double shot of vodka to calm your nerves and stuff cotton balls in your ears because it’s going to be a long night.
3. How can I tell if I’ve put the diaper on properly? Oh, you’ll know. Believe me.
4. What do you think of cloth diapers? The same thing I think about Model T Fords. If I saw someone with one, I’d think they were some sort of nut.
5. When should I expect our baby to sleep through the night? When he realizes you’re never going to take him out dancing or to the strip club.
6. Is it okay for our baby to watch football on t.v.? I’m sorry. Are you a European Socialist? Of course it’s okay. Watching football is the single most important thing you can do to prove your American-ness. It ranks above: being obese, having diabetes, talking wrong, not knowing where Africa and Asia are on the map of the world, and believing that one of the 10 Commandments is “Thou Shalt Shop at WalMart.” Do you want your baby to grow up un-American?
7. I notice that our baby seems to make a low, groaning sound, sometimes for 10 minutes at a time. What is that? It’s your baby’s cry for help cleverly encoded so that you won’t understand the message being transmitted to dogs, whales and bottlenose dolphins.
8 Why do babies smell so good? Because they have not yet been filled up with the toxic waste of lost hope and crushed dreams. Just think, you used to smell good too. Now, you work in a cubicle across from a guy who talks to himself and a chick who twirls her hair and then smells her fingertips.
9. How often do babies have gas? Whenever they want their parents to suffer.
10. My wife and I just had a baby boy a month ago. When do you think her body will get back its shape. Why? What’s wrong with having a wife who’s shaped like an orange?
For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues
Bad parenting like that makes Ivan want to shout.
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