Dear Ivan:

As you slumber peacefully (and very cute-ly) in the next room, here are a couple of words of wisdom/pieces of advice/thoughts for you:

1. When you wake up tomorrow there is school.  I don’t care if you cry, pout, put on your hang-doggiest expression, roll your eyes, bite me, kick me in the groin, or even tell me that you love me more than mommy.  You’re going to school.

2. Drink more water.  Your breath stinks, little man.  It’s like all the cookies you ate got together and formed one gigantic, desiccated dustball in the back of your throat.

3. You have to wear mittens, at least gloves.  I know you don’t like them.  I also know it’s really cold outside these days, and I really don’t want to deal with you having frostbite (or the questions I’ll face from various people about why I’m such a bad parent I let you go out without gloves).

4. It’s not funny to punch daddy in the throat, eye, or nuts.  When you get a little older, you’ll understand why.  For now, just understand, this is real life, not a cartoon.  That sh*t hurts, even if you are only 4.

5. When I say “I really mean it,” I do really mean it, except if I’m smiling or laughing, in which case you probably have another 5-10 minutes to get your act together.  When mommy says “I really mean it,” she really means it.  Period. Full stop.  End of sentence.  Do not mess with her on that.

Sleep well.  And, remember, the syrup on your breakfast waffle is supposed to be just enough to cover the waffle. You’re not doing a re-enactment of a barge floating down the muddy Mississippi.

Love,

Daddy