Dear Ivan:

Do you want to know why middle-aged men always dress poorly (besides, you know, just giving up). It’s because when you take your 4-year-old to the GAP and to the fitting room, the little f**ker won’t stop saying: “Daddy, what are we getting for me? When are we going? Your boxers are stupid. Where’s Mommy? I want to play video games at the Apple Store. Those clothes are disgusting.” You try being fashionable when you’re being harassed and taunted by a 3-foot-tall, 40 pound narcissist.

Just in case you’re wondering.

Love always,

Daddy