Alex Barnett — Comedian, Writer & Social Commentator

Mommy Versus Daddy

by Alex on May 2, 2013

My wife and I are parents to a 21-month old son. We both love him very much, and he loves us. But, I’ve noticed that there’s a difference between Mommy and Daddy:

Both parents are important, but I’ve realized that mom is more important. He needs his Mommy. He enjoys me. Mommy is a necessity. Daddy is a luxury. Mommy can make food with her own body. The only thing I make with my body has to be flushed down the toilet.

Daddy is like a nice pair of shoes. Nice to have, but you can go your whole life without a nice pair of shoes. It’s just that if you have them, you feel better about yourself as a person.

That’s not to say that I don’t have value. Somebody’s got to carry the stroller up and down the stairs. And, somebody’s got to be the one who goes postal every time the pediatrician tries to screw us on a bill. Going postal is definitely a dad’s job.

Even though Mommy’s job is much more crucial, Daddy gets judged on a much easier curve. I change my son’s diaper, I’m father of the year. My wife changes his diaper, and everyone wants to know why she let the kid sit in a soiled diaper for so long. I give him a bottle, and I’m the best dad of all time. My wife gives the kid a bottle, and people want to know why the f*ck she isn’t breastfeeding . . .even though it took her hours to pump that milk into that bottle.

But, basically, being a dad is pretty easy. You just show up. That’s it. That’s how low the bar has been set. If you just show up, you automatically get like a B+.

So, sometimes, it’s easy to get cocky. You think, hey I spend a lot of time with my son. I’m a great dad. But, being a great dad is like being the best minor league player. Because there’s a whole league above you, and even the worst player in the other league is still better than you.

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News from the Crib: Learning from your Toddler

by Alex on May 1, 2013

My wife and I have an 19-month old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called:

#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#101) – Learning from your Toddler

1. My wife and I have a 21-month old toddler, what can we learn from him? What can’t you learn from him? You can learn to view the World through new eyes. To enjoy each thing as if you were experiencing it for the first time. As he grapples with learning to speak, you can learn to appreciate, just how complex spoken communication is, and how powerful a tool it is. As he fine-tunes his motor skills, you can learn to appreciate that you have your health and your abilities to be physical. You can learn patience, as you educate him and guide him through frustrations. And most of all, you can learn to not be a self-centered, narcissistic, vain, self-absorbed person who dwells on the negative, and, rather, embrace that you have been given the opportunity and privilege to raise a child and the challenge of helping him become a well-developed, contributing member of society.

That’s what you can learn, you nitwit.

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Toddlers and Exercise

by Alex on April 30, 2013

My wife and I have a 21-month old son, named Ivan. Like all other first-time parents, we are neurotic, hyper-aware of Ivan’s every move, and freaking out about whether things are “good” or “bad” for him.

Like all toddlers, Ivan likes to toddle. Which is great, because who turns out that kids who exercise develop good motor skills, which is great, because when wer’re old and feeble, it’ll be nice to have a son with good motor skills to take care of us.

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Unplugged

by Alex on April 29, 2013

This weekend we had a chance to unplug from computers, phones, television and get out into nature.

It was fantastic. It was a reminder that as engaging as technology can be, there’s really nothing more fun than the simple pleasures of low-tech nature. Just walking outdoors, enjoying the plants and animals and the company of family and friends (except when they annoy you completely).

So, here’s to going uplugged!

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Strolling Around

by Alex on April 26, 2013

Like many urban parents, my wife and I use a stroller to transport our son, Ivan (who’s just 20 months old). We’ve become one of “those” couples — the annoying ones who are in the way with their stroller.

I used to curse people like us. They’re so annoying. They’re so in the way. They’re so self-absorbed.

Now, I’m part of the “they” in “they’re,” and, even though, I know that sometimes we’re in the way, I don’t care. Walk around us. And, while you’re doing that, stop standing in the little cut-out in the curb that’s specially made for strollers and wheelchairs. I need that. You can lift your lazy old feet up onto the curb.

Meantime, I gotta get back to the stroller, for which I am the chaffeur. My boss is calling.

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News from the Crib: Toddlers and iPad Addiction

by Alex on April 24, 2013

#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#100) – iPad Addiction

1. My husband and I have a 20-month old, and he’s addicted to our iPad. What should we do? Hmm? I’m sorry. Were you talking to me? I was busy live streaming something on my iPad. The retina display is just gorgeous.

2. We have a 20-month old, and he’s addicted to our iPad. What should we do? You should be grateful he’s not addicted to heroin.

3. Seriously, what do we do? I’d suggest starting with some self-examination — specifically, who gave him the iPad to use in the first place?

4. Fair enough, but he is addicted? What should we do about that? Have you tried using a neat little word, not often heard these days called “no”? Also you might try and just take it from him, given that you’re easily 3 feet taller and 100 pounds heavier than your toddler.

5. When we try to take it from him, he cries? Yeah? And? If your toddler never cries it means you’re not doing your job as a parent. Because at some point, probably each day, you should do something that annoys the crap out of your toddler (figuratively, not literally), and he/she may cry. And, that’s okay. You’re supposed to be setting limits and creating boundaries. Just ask my father. I setup boundaries for him all the time.

6. Is iPad use by toddlers a bad thing? No, not in and of itself. Besides, they can show you how to download apps.

7. Our toddler threw our iPad on the ground and broke it. Should I get him another one? Yes, and then you should adopt me money bags.

8. Is iPad use really addictive? Absolutely. Just ask anyone who walked into traffic while iPad surfing and walking.

9. What do child psychologists say about toddlers using iPads? They say it’s an awesome way to help kids develop the need for therapy by a child psychologist.

10. Even if a toddler gets addicted to using an iPad is that so wrong? Sometimes it’s so wrong, it’s right

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Breathe at Your Own Risk

by Alex on April 23, 2013

In today’s New York Times it’s reported that “[l]evels of deadly pollutants up to 40 times the recommended exposure limit in Beijing and other cities have struck fear into parents and led them to take steps that are radically altering the nature of urban life for their children.”

Now that’s pollution. I guess it turns out that the Chinese do everything bigger and better than us, even pollution.

It’s astounding. I thought pollution in this country was bad. Turns out, that compared to China, the only form of pollution we need to really worry about is the kind that’s on tv.

Of course, that’s not true. This country has plenty of pollution.Here are some significant and troubling facts about pollution: 11 FACTS ABOUT POLLUTION. And according to the American Lung Association’s 2011 “State of the Air” report, more than 18.5 million people in the U.S. live in a region with unhealthy levels of year-round particle pollution.

As well, China’s pollution doesn’t stay in China. Airborne particulates can travel for miles. And, increasing amounts of pollution from China and Asia are traveling to the United States western coast.

What can we do?

Well, Earth Day came and went (yesterday), but we all still can take action. Here’s the Earth Day website: http://www.earthday.org/

The first step is arming yourself with information and knowledge. Then, the next step is taking measures to keep the planet green.

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A Pair of Security Guards Is The Best Relationship

by Alex on April 21, 2013

Marriage is about sleeping well together and watching tv well together. That’s why a pair of security guards is the best relationship:

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Getting Some Fresh Air

by Alex on April 20, 2013

Now that winter’s over, and the weather is warming up, it’s time to get some fresh air:

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News From The Crib: Boston

by Alex on April 18, 2013

Each week, ordinarily, our 20-month old son, Ivan, posts his parenting newsletter News from the Crib to help parents navigate their way through the ups and downs of parenting.

This week, though, in the wake of the Boston Marathon tragedy, neither Ivan nor I could muster the will to work on News from the Crib. We were much too upset about yet another incident where bad things happen to good people.

So for this week, News for the Crib is just our heartfelt thoughts and prayers for the people of Boston, the people who were injured and those who were killed and the families of them all.