For those who were “worried” that racism is a thing of the past. Never fear! Racism is alive and well.
My wife and I are an interracial couple, and we have a 6-month old, Biracial son. By and large, race isn’t a part of our lives. What is a part of our lives is trying to get our son to take a nap.
But race still is there. She’s Black. I’m White. And, our son is in the middle — kinda gray or beige or only half-cool (depending on the joke you’re trying to make).
Most times, we can handle the race issues. They come not from places of outright hatred or malevolence but from either lack of sensitivity or a lack of knowledge. For example, my wife who is brown-skinned and has an afro is frequently asked whether our son (who is light-skinned) is “hers” (the implication being that she’s the nanny). But as hurtful as these comments can be, we don’t think people ask this to be mean.
On the other hand, once in a blue moon, we encounter some real, down-home, Jim Crow-era racism. In fact, I just had an encounter this weekend.
I was performing at a show, and I mentioned that when my wife and I were buying cribs we thought one crib looked a bit like a “cage.” Without missing a beat, a man in the audience said, that our son would be a “caged monkey.”
A CAGED MONKEY!!
For those wondering, I didn’t say anything in response. I thought of it, but then I decided against it, figuring that: well, I don’t have to live with that guy, but he’s got to spend the rest of his life living with himself.
But, his comment was racist and offensive and insulting to me, not only as a person of conscience, but because I’m my son’s Dad, and I don’t like people talking about my family, particularly my son.
So, in hindsight, here are a couple of responses I thought up, which I could’ve (or perhaps should’ve used):
1. Interesting, so I take it that during the just ended Black History Month you were no doubt commemorating slavery. Perhaps next month you can celebrate the genocide of Native Americans.
2. Sir, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m having a hard time hearing you because of your lack of teeth.
3. I’m sorry. Did you know that “Deliverance” was a movie and not a lifestyle choice.
4. Whatever. Obama’s still President. Get over yourself.
5. That’s very clever sir. How’d you like to come to my show on March 8 in Harlem and repeat that for the home audience?
6. Thank you for answering the question: “Guess whether I’m a drunk asshole?”
7. If you could count to 20 and then repeat that, I’d greatly appreciate it. Yes, that’s fine, you can take off your shoes and socks to make sure you count correctly.
8. Very cute. Almost as cute as your sister-wife with her 6 fingers, blue skin and webbed feet.
9. I don’t know for sure if Jesus was Black. But if he was, when he comes back I think you’re in trouble.
10. Thank you sir for illustrating that racism is alive and well. If you would just go with that large Black man who is now standing directly behind you. He will take you out back to show you what you’ve won.
Our son, showing his grave disappointment that racism is not relegated to the past.
51 Comments on “Private: Racism Is Alive And Well”
Be Blessed father of Ivan… you did the right thing. You have other battles to fight and your son does too. HE needs you in his corner as you will be.
Pamela:Thanks for writing and for the kind words. The support is very much appreciated.
What was the reaction from the audience to his very hateful and ugly comment?
Letitia: Sadly, there was no real reaction. In other instances, I’ve had audience members make racist remarks and had other audience members react with disapproval for such comments. But, at this most recent show, there was no such reaction.
Racism is alive and well. For that reason, I think we do our children a disservice by raising them to be color blind in a society that isn’t. Unless we teach our children how to respond, they will be real trouble when it happens to them. No. 3 was my favorite retort.
Trina: Thanks for writing. You’re right that we do not live in a colorblind society. As much as things have evolved, there still is much to be done. So, yes, it’s good to discuss this and not pretend this issue doesn’t exist. And, hopefully, through bringing this out into the open, that dialogue itself helps to improve things.
the guy was a jerk and in the current U.S. atmosphere these kind of jerks no longer feel they should hold their tongues.
Ivan is beautiful and may probably date his daughter or granddaughter one day because she’ll hate that guy for his racist ways.
Sabrathia: Thank you for writing! And, yes, I agree, no doubt this guy’s son and/or daughter will no doubt marry and have children with the very people he hates the most.
Alex we type daily , I’m sure I’ve told you I’m a bi-racial male with bi-racial parents and children I’m 61 years old my men are 42 and 32 years old, my youngest has a 20 month old daughter, she’s on my lap on my profile pic on face book and she will be having a little sister in July. The world has made some drastic changes in attitude and temperment in the 10 years between my men,the youngest is a lot more tolerant to racist and thier comments, his brother on the other hand dosen’t hesitate in delevreing a down home ass whoppin’ at the drop of a “HAT” (we love our hats as you know).If you’ve seen pics of my grand daughter you would never know she is bi-racial, but make an racist remark towards her and he makes his older brother look like boy scout, Thank GOD I keep a bail fund for both of them, if prevoked they have the potential to adminester some major damage to some fool for running off at the mouth…I’ve been luck so far… Good luck
R
R: You know what a special place you hold in our hearts. We love hearing from you everyday! And, we thank you, as always, for inviting us into your day and sharing your family’s story and history with us. You are a trailblazer. You helped ease our way down this path, and for that we our so very grateful. Thanks for the beautiful love and support and the insights!! They are more helpful than you know.
And, keep an eye on Ivan’s headgear. We’re trying to keep you proud of his lid choices!! 🙂
Love all of those comebacks… next time you’ll be prepared 🙂
LaShonda: Thanks so very much! All the best to you!
I am an Black woman, Italian husband and 2 boys now 13 and 17 . i saw how similar your adorable son looks like my son when they were his age. I’v worked hard to expose the to both
cultures, raise then in Riverdale (safe, clean god schools and diversity increasing)..
I relate to your posts when I see them.
Hand in there..too many racist people ot there who don’t see the world as our families do. I am dark complexioned not light skinned so its clear that I am Black.’
I started ag roup when the boys were young called Children of the Rainbow to enrich the lives of children in Riverdale, through the arts and education by making playdates more educcational and a learning experience not only for the kids but for the parents.
Now they are two very different boys..The younger one has an Afro, is like a junior 60’s activist, the other is cerebral pursuing in college International studies , plays a guitar, likes the strokes etc..If you guys lie in NY, would love fr our families to meet up, you and my husband have alot in common, we’re just plder….
Marienne: Thanks so much for writing and sharing your story. It’s always wonderful and encouraging to hear of stories of families like us, who came before and helped to blaze the trail. Good for you for your activism in helping bring people together. All the best to you and your family, and we’d love to catch up with you at some point.
wow…i am stunned but not shocked by the statement but as a black woman, i know racism all too well.. all of your comebacks were good but the best one would have been ” sir, hold on one minute while i make a phone call. ivan has a 6’2 black female friend that would like to introduce her foot to your ass!” alex you are a good man that you didnt sink to his level and like i have said before, your wife is blessed to have you as a husband and ivan is blessed to have you as a dad. hopefully in the future there will be more and more interracial couple having more and more biracial babies that in the future race will be a non-factor. you and your wife keep your chin up – ivan will be fine – look at the stuff he is made of! (and seriously, i live right here on long island and i can be your way in a hour tops! if you need me let me know!)
Deborah:
Thanks for writing and sharing. I grew up on Long Island, so it’s always nice to know I have folks from my hometown ready to stand with me. Thanks for the support!
Too funny! You did the right thing by ignoring him, but I know how you felt inside. I’ve been there, MANY times. Just recently I had a run in with a drunken asshole whom I’ll refer to as Newt Limbaugh. Sitting at the bus stop drinking and ranting about how minorities NEVER contributed to this country. Yes, he did. I usually ignore the red-necks, but my daughter was with me this time and oh sooky-sooky now, you don’t go there with my child present. I lit into him so bad he backpedaled and said “I didn’t say blacks, I said minorities.” Huh? Even his toothless drunken sidekick laughed at him. Yeah, people like that are everywhere and it’s too bad they get to exist on my planet, but like you said, “Obama is still President, get over yourself.” I give my daughter extra hugs when I encounter these kind of people.
Thanks for writing in and sharing your story. It is yet another illustration of how ignorance unchecked will run rampant. One wonders where he got his information, as America is a nation comprised of people from elsewhere, most of whom were or still are a member of a minority group that contributed to the building of this country. Good for you for standing tall for your daughter. And, all the best to you!
I have a friend, who told me that he is practicing, in this life, to be with the Heavenly Father in the next, along with all peoples of all skin tones. I really like that one, as it may cause some people to stop and actually think. My dad told me, years ago, that God made people, no matter the color of their skin, so that all the parts fit. Blessings to you, your wife and your son.
Leslie: Thanks for writing in and for this really moving and inspirational comment. Thanks too for the blessings. The same to you!
Er.. while I understand and appreciate your concern.. even outrage.. frankly it solves nothing at all. In basic terms, all you “taught” the offender, was that he commanded here-to-fore unknown power over you.. and could easily hurt you.. by making an offensive comment about your child. Not responding directly at the time, may well have been the better route – but obviously it still bothers you.
Might you have easily diffused the situation, and re-asserted yourself, and your own power, by responding.. “yep.. he’s a cute little guy.. and I’m the gorilla that he’ll be calling “Dad”. It puts any insult to you, and keeps it there, where as an adult, you have many options to deal with it.
Peace -Gerry
Gerry:
Thanks for writing.
Hi Alex, having an extended family of a wide range of ethnic flavor, my mother affectionately calls her grandchildren her Mixed Nuts! I met another lady with similar family makeup and she said they call their family members Assorted Sweets! Anyway I’m proud to be a member of such a diverse family, no plain vanilla here, so much history, my husband and I could right a book and probably should. Can’t help but love who you love!
Lori:
Thanks for writing! And, thanks for sharing the story of your family! All the best to you!
Hi Alex, having an extended family of a wide range of ethnic flavor, my mother affectionately calls her grandchildren her Mixed Nuts! I met another lady with a similar family makeup and she said they call their family members Assorted Sweets! Anyway I’m proud to be a member of such a diverse family, no plain vanilla here, so much history, my husband and I could write a book and probably should. Can’t help but love who you love! Love your come bake lines. We have had very little racism problems ( MOSTLY WORK RELATED) towards my husband from the New York State Police. Retired, done with that. If someone says something ignorant to me I just think” Thank You” for making it clear you’re a moron and I don’t need to give you another thought.
I meant Come Back Lines, sorry ! Your son is precious and beautiful! I wish I could erase my top post, it must be to early for me to write posts!
No worries! 🙂
I’m a black down-south woman that just happens to be a lesbian, so I love, love, LOVE, what you and your family are all about. I see no color, but what I do see is love. Your family is beautiful and Ivan is a heartbreaker, and maybe one day he and my Godson Ayden who will be eight months on the tenth of March, can have a play date. Thanks for staying strong!
Thanks for writing and sharing your story. Thanks too for the support!
This actually made me nauseous. 5&10 are my favorite responses. If I were in the audience, you might have had to modify #10 to multi-racial women. But your right it not worth responding directly. It would take time away from your show, its not like he’s gonna change and he did a good job of making an ass of himself all by himself.
Christine: Thanks for writing and for your support. I agree with you.
You should have told him that you and your wife definitely keep him caged at times to protect him from the idiotic, racist, in-bred morons like HIM! Too bad they are allowed to roam free & unleashed no matter what steps society takes to eradicate these filthy bottom dwellers! ALL HEED THE CALL! Please give to your local chapter of “Morons R Us” which works hand in hand with “Unclaimed Idiots” and “Yeah, He’s the Dumb Azz” to develop programs to either rehabilitate or rid the world of this vermin! Remember, it only takes one to pass stupidity on to the next generation. We MUST stop them from procreating! Either that or just shoot them on sight! but since I’m not willing to catch a charge for any of these idiots, I’ll just stick with supporting the programs and the Barnett Family! Keep your head up Alex and keep loving that beautiful contribution to society you guys blessed us with:) My hubby and I are trying for one now. I have a 21 year old but he’s never had one so we’ll see what God has in store for us:) Keep posting all those pics and videos of Ivan for our continued inspiration & enjoyment. Be Blessed!
Sonya: Thanks so much!! Yep, unbelievable what people think and say! But, thank you for the kind words and the blessings!
You are more than welcome my dear:) I also have that same sarcastic humor as you do and enjoy using wit and sacrcasm to cut an idiot down rather than arguing or debating them. it’s SO much more satisfying when they don’t realize you just insulted them:) Why would I argue with someone with so obvious a handicap as stupidity? I was raised better than that:) I just politely pat them on the head, put a quarter in their cup and say “Bless your little heart you poor inbred moron” LOL! Our group supports IR realtionships and marriages, specifically BW/WM and we have had our share of the “looks” when we do group events but we’ve yet to encounter anyone say anything to any of us. We actually get more people inquiring about how to join us! You just keep doing what you’re doing and know that you have our support as well as the support of many you haven’t met. We enjoy your blog, videos, commentary as well as the “inside peek” at a family with a newborn just living life daily. No one on this Earth has the power to do anything but give their unsolicited opinions and do not in any way, shape or form contribute to the daily upkeep of your life so the “haters” can collectively kiss ALL our behinds:) They are not even a “blip” on my Radar of Importance” and should not be on yours either! Side Note: We also have an IR Couples group and receive a lot of media inquiries regarding stories, shows, etc. that people want to recruit our members for. I recently received one that I think you and your wife may be interested in:) The producers of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Snapped, Who the Bleep Did I Marry and a host of other shows are looking for an IR couple specifically to shoot an IR reality show around. They want the focus to be on the family and their day to day lives. Shoot me an email and I’ll give you the details and contact info if you’re interested. I know I’d watch you guys:) I believe they are still looking for a couple and I think you guys would be PERFECT!
Sonya: Thanks so much for all the fantastic support and well-wishes. We really appreciate it!
Hi Alex,
I saw this post through a friend’s, on Facebook.
My first thought was… where were you when this happened? I come from Ottawa (Canada), but lived in NJ for a few years, back in the late 80’s, early 90’s. My gorgeous daughter, who is nearly 23, is Bi-Racial. She is a product of a white Mom (me) and her handsome, dark-skin Dad, a NJ native. The only time that I remember recalling any sort of blatant racism was when we were headed to my husband’s old high school, Amber on my husband’s shoulders (she was just about 1 year old)… and there was a young teenage bi-racial couple holding hands… and some other kids called out and said something to them.
We never experienced ourselves. In fact, I was happily surprised (because I’d heard some negative things before I ever visited ‘The States’), that it didn’t happen. When Amber was 2, we moved back to Canada and she was raised here.
I’ve asked her over the years if she’d experienced racism and she’s always replied with a cheery ‘no’. She has friends of all races… in fact one of her first friends, who is still her best friend, is very white… long, white-blond hair.
I’m not sure what she would have faced, had she gone to primary school in the States, but when she was 16 she decided she wanted to go to University in NY. No surprise, we assumed she would. So, she finished her last year of high school there and onto University (she is just finishing her last year, at a College on Long Island)… and she has become even more amazing!
Amber, by the way, looks like her Dad. She’s just a pretty , lighter skin version. She has my fingers and my toes and they say my smile 🙂 She’s amazing, strong, confident, talented and has the biggest heart in the world. Everyone who meets her likes her instantly.
I read one of the other posts, who suggested we are doing a dis-service to bring our children up to be colour-blind… I understand this comes from a different place, but I have a hard time with that. I can only speak for our situation of course, but Amber was raised to love herself, and respect everyone… regardless of of the colour of their skin, or the accent in their voice. Naturally, we taught her to act with dignity, if faced with ignorance…
(I’m not saying that people who are disrespectful deserve respect though).
I have always imagined what I would say if confronted with a horrible human being, the way you were and we all know you handled it well especially considering you were on stage, but I daydreamed about saying just about any those you came up with.
Over the years, I’ve put a few ignorant people in their place – it usually surprises them and shuts them up.
The last thing I want to say is you are blessed, your child is blessed (and absolutely adorable). I think that handling this by putting the situation out here – on a post, a blog, on FB… is the greatest way to get people to talk about it!
Enjoy every moment of your family… the next thing you know, your baby boy will be graduating from University too.
Cheers,
Jen
Sorry, this is really long and by no means to you need to publish it, (feel free to edit it down if you want to post some of it).
Jen: Don’t worry about the length of the post. Just the opposite, in fact. I really appreciate that you took the time to write out such a thoughtful, sincere and heartfelt message, and that you shared your family’s story and your insights with me. It fills me with great joy to know that others like us are out there, are living happy and fulfilled lives and are sending us their thoughts and blessings.
All the best to you, Amber and Amber’s dad!
Alex, I’m happy to share my story. I thinki part of it is luck, and part of it is just having the right attitude. There are plenty of ignorant people out there… ignorant because of lack of education, because of poor parenting, maybe because of a bad personal experience. I usually just feel really sorry for them.
Best thing for us to teach our children how special they are and how lucky we are to have them. 🙂
Jen: Couldn’t agree more about teaching the kids how special they are!! Amen to that!
Alex,
This saddens me to know that things like this still happen & that this particularly happened to you. You did the right thing though, the show must go on & I’m happy that you did not feed into it. Lowly people will do anything to try & put others down because they know their own true worth–and it isn’t much.
Beside George Takei, you are the one of the only other person(ality) I continuously follow & I look forward to your status updates & blog postings. Your wife is gorgeous, I’m in love with Ivan & you, sir, have a gift of putting words in that beautiful baby boy’s mouth.
Take Care,
Meena
Meena: Thanks so much for writing in!! And, I’m so honored to be in the company of George Takei in your eyes!! Thank you for honoring us by following our travels1
Alex, this is the first time I have heard of you, and I will be looking for you in the future, as I am impressed you! Some times it is very hard not to answer a fool, and you did the hard thing. You also showed that you not answering him was not because you didn’t have anything to say. I too am married to a sistar, (She is the best thing God has given to me, she is a treasure!!!!) and have three black sons. I remember when our middle son brought his younger brother home because a white kid had called him the “n” word. My sons were about 5 and 7 at the time. We called the dad, and he and his son came over. As my wife is talking to the dad, I saw avery confused look on the 5 year old boy. I asked the dad if I could ask his son a question, and he said sure. I asked the boy if he knew what that ‘n’ word ment. He said he did, it means, “He is my friend”. I saw how he could think that as he had heard that greeting from some of the brothers. The dad was also very releaved, as he had no idea why his son had said that.
Now, the poor man who said that at your performance, probably never new who his father was, and didn’t know that he shouldn’t say every dumb thing that entered his small brain. It was probably his first time in public.
I really loved your answers 1….5…..9 and 10. And by the way, Jesus was Black, and that man is in trouble. Look at this, Jesus called everyone brother or sister, hung out with prostitutes, couldn’t get a fair trial, was beaten and died for crimes He never commited, yea, He was Black!
Jesus is LORD!
Thank you for sharing this story. It’s eye-opening to say the least. All the best to you.
Alex, I found out about you from a blog I get all the time called. “Beyound Black and White”.
Very glad you found me. Hope you will continue to visit the site and to contribute!
What a beautiful bundle of cuteness. So disappointing that ignorance still lives : (
Thanks! And, thanks for the support. It is disappointing that ignorance continues to live on.
Thanks for mentioning this and for the support.
You’re welcome! You’ll always have that…unless Ivan bans you from mentioning his name or using his likeness without compensation:) Then we’d have to check the blog 4 times a week instead of every day! LOL! Kidding, kidding! 🙂
Sonya: You’re so right. Without Ivan I have no act 🙂
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