My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 5 months old, and we love him dearly. Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.
Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).
Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips. He calls the newsletter:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#41):
1. My husband and I have a 5 month old baby, and he just got sick. What should we do? Buy lots of kaopectate and things to read in bed, because you guys are going to be sick too.
2. On the issue of sick babies, if our baby has a fever, should we be concerned? Well, look, I know you’re a yuppy and a helicopter parent, and you think that 98.7 degrees is a fever. On the other hand, if the baby’s temperature crosses 100, you should be on alert. If it goes past 104 worry. And, if it goes above 120, then you need to call NASA, because your baby is an alien who can withstand great temperatures like the tiles on the outside of the Space Shuttle.
3. Is it okay to take the baby’s temperature under his arm, or do we need to do so rectally? As in all things medical, the more unpleasant a procedure, the more revealing it is. Accordingly, it is recommended that for accurate readings you go with the rectal thermometer reading. As it is unpleasant for all concerned, I suggest making your husband do it. The look on his face will be a source of entertainment for you.
4. Our baby has projectile vomited twice in the last 24 hours. What does that mean? It means your breast milk is bad news. What do you mean, ‘what does it mean?’ It means the baby is sick. Or it’s auditioning to be in the Exorcist. Let’s assume the former. Call the doctor. And, while you’re at it, call a responsible adult to be there with you, since you’re obviously not quite on the job just yet.
5. How do we prevent the baby from getting sick in the first place? Don’t have kids. Seriously, if you have a child, he/she will get sick as sure as night follows day and as sure as celebrities all eventually go to rehab.
6. If the baby is sick, how long should we let him sleep before we wake him? Listen to me very closely . . . you NEVER wake a sleeping baby. I don’t care if the United States is under attack by Martians. You put that baby in a stroller or a sling and let it keep sleeping. You got it?
7. Putting illness aside, how often should we change the baby’s diaper? I recommend every third or fourth day. Are you serious with this question? You change the diaper when it’s dirty as soon as it gets dirty. And, if you think I’m wrong, then you just sit there in a pair of soiled underwear for a couple of hours till this lesson sinks in.
8 Is it okay to breastfeed if I’m sick? Are we talking mental illness here? Because I’ve seen you in action, and, frankly, I question your sanity.
9. I notice that our baby seems to smile when he looks in the mirror. What’s that about? My guess is that he’s just so thrilled he doesn’t look like you or your husband, he can’t stop smiling.
10. My wife and I just had a baby boy a month ago. Do you have a piece of advice I can pass on to my son? Yep, here goes, it’s in 3 parts: (1) Floss your teeth at least once per day; (2) Be kind to animals, babies, and senior citizens; (3) In life, you should do what you love, so long as what you love is being an investment banker. If what you love doesn’t pay high 6 figures or 7 figures per year, then you should learn to love doing something else.
For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues
When Ivan hears parenting like this he just stands up and gets in people's faces.