My wife is a Black woman. She is also a fashion designer. I am a White man. I have virtually no fashion sense.
Part of the challenge of any marriage is communication, translating female-speak to male-speak and vice-versa so that the spouses understand one another.
In our case, there is a heightened challenge. As someone born Jewish, I frequently use Yiddish terms with which my wife (who converted to Judaism) is not familiar. By the same token, she will sometimes use phrases that are more commonplace in African-American circles with which I am not familiar.
One area in which we definitely needed linguistic help was in the area of fashion and dress. As a fashion designer, my wife has, at times, times expressed dismay at my fashion choices. But, because we come from different backgrounds, sometimes it has been difficult to communicate our positions to one another.
Over time, we (meaning I) have learned. But, for those of you who may be in similar circumstances to us, I present now for you, the TOP 10 FASHION EDICTS FROM MY WIFE TO ME (with translation):
1. Statement: Get your gear straight – Translation: You need to dress better
2. Statement: You are to’ up from the flo’ up – Translation: You need to dress better
3. Statement: That sh*t is whack – Translation: You need to dress better
4. Statement: You are a hot mess – Translation: You need to dress better
5. Statement: No! – Translation: You need to dress better
6. Statement:You have got to be sh*ttin’ me – Translation: You need to dress better
7. Statement: That is so not bangin’ – Translation: You need to dress better
8. Statement: Did you get that swag off a homeless guy? – Translation: You need to dress better
9. Statement: The fashion police are issuing you a ticket – Translation: You need to dress better
10. Statement: Must be nice to be White – Translation: You need to dress better (and it’s only because of the inherent inequality of the racial dynamics and power structure of this country that you can get away with looking like a khaki-wearing middle manager and not lose self-respect and the respect of the community at large).
So there it is. I hope this list helps those of you who may be in interracial relationships. I know it’s helped us. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go change into a different pair of khaki pants 
Even our son questions my fashion choices
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My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 5 months old, and we love him dearly. Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.
Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).
Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips. He calls the newsletter:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#42):
1. My husband and I have a 5 month old baby, and he just got diaper rash. How did this happen? My guess is that your child has a special condition known as Poopus Acidus, which means that your baby’s poop is even more acidic than the blood of one of those creatures from Alien. If you even touch your baby’s poop, your fingers will melt off. If you wanted to break into a bank vault, all you’d have to do would be to touch your baby’s poop against the lock of the vault and — PRESTO! — the vault would open. Alternatively, it could just be that you stink as a parent and you forgot to change your baby’s diaper because you were too busy watching the Giant game go into overtime to notice that your baby was in distress.
2. On the topic of diaper rash, do you have any suggested remedies? My preferred method is an incantation — “Tushy raw. Tushy red. Mellow out, so I can go to bed.” Say that 100 times fast. Than slather your baby in Triple Paste, drink a double shot of vodka to calm your nerves and stuff cotton balls in your ears because it’s going to be a long night.
3. How can I tell if I’ve put the diaper on properly? Oh, you’ll know. Believe me.
4. What do you think of cloth diapers? The same thing I think about Model T Fords. If I saw someone with one, I’d think they were some sort of nut.
5. When should I expect our baby to sleep through the night? When he realizes you’re never going to take him out dancing or to the strip club.
6. Is it okay for our baby to watch football on t.v.? I’m sorry. Are you a European Socialist? Of course it’s okay. Watching football is the single most important thing you can do to prove your American-ness. It ranks above: being obese, having diabetes, talking wrong, not knowing where Africa and Asia are on the map of the world, and believing that one of the 10 Commandments is “Thou Shalt Shop at WalMart.” Do you want your baby to grow up un-American?
7. I notice that our baby seems to make a low, groaning sound, sometimes for 10 minutes at a time. What is that? It’s your baby’s cry for help cleverly encoded so that you won’t understand the message being transmitted to dogs, whales and bottlenose dolphins.
8 Why do babies smell so good? Because they have not yet been filled up with the toxic waste of lost hope and crushed dreams. Just think, you used to smell good too. Now, you work in a cubicle across from a guy who talks to himself and a chick who twirls her hair and then smells her fingertips.
9. How often do babies have gas? Whenever they want their parents to suffer.
10. My wife and I just had a baby boy a month ago. When do you think her body will get back its shape. Why? What’s wrong with having a wife who’s shaped like an orange?
For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues
Bad parenting like that makes Ivan want to shout.
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In the late 1800s and early 1900s, there was a large wave of immigration to the United States of Jewish people from Eastern Europe. One of the unifying bonds amongst these people was the fact that so many of them spoke Yiddish — a language that is a mixture of German, Hebrew, Aramaic, various Slavic languages and some Romance languages. As these groups of people assimilated into American culture, Yiddish became less and less widely spoken till now when it is rarely heard.
My family is a Jewish one with roots in Eastern Europe. My ancestors came here to this country speaking Yiddish. My grandparents all were born here, but they grew up speaking Yiddish at home. My parents heard it frequently when they were children. I heard it every so often when I was a child, generally when spoken by my grandparents and great-grandparents. And, now, I fear we have come to a point where my son may not get a chance to hear this colorful and vivid language that is so much a part of our family’s past.
As a new dad, I do feel the need to pass on to my son, Ivan, some awareness of his ancestral roots. I want him to know from whence he came, to understand his heritage and to be proud of it. Because as the saying goes — to get where you’re going, you need to know where you’re coming from.
So, with that in mind, I present The Yiddish Word of the Day. It is my hope that with this knowledge he will be filled with cultural pride and will be motivated to seek out more knowledge about our cultures and others.
The Yiddish Word of the Day is: SHVITZ (“to sweat;” also can mean “to panic or worry”)
Our son, Ivan, looked reinvigorated after a good shvitz in his home spa
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My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 5 months old, and we love him dearly. Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.
Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).
Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips. He calls the newsletter:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#41):
1. My husband and I have a 5 month old baby, and he just got sick. What should we do? Buy lots of kaopectate and things to read in bed, because you guys are going to be sick too.
2. On the issue of sick babies, if our baby has a fever, should we be concerned? Well, look, I know you’re a yuppy and a helicopter parent, and you think that 98.7 degrees is a fever. On the other hand, if the baby’s temperature crosses 100, you should be on alert. If it goes past 104 worry. And, if it goes above 120, then you need to call NASA, because your baby is an alien who can withstand great temperatures like the tiles on the outside of the Space Shuttle.
3. Is it okay to take the baby’s temperature under his arm, or do we need to do so rectally? As in all things medical, the more unpleasant a procedure, the more revealing it is. Accordingly, it is recommended that for accurate readings you go with the rectal thermometer reading. As it is unpleasant for all concerned, I suggest making your husband do it. The look on his face will be a source of entertainment for you.
4. Our baby has projectile vomited twice in the last 24 hours. What does that mean? It means your breast milk is bad news. What do you mean, ‘what does it mean?’ It means the baby is sick. Or it’s auditioning to be in the Exorcist. Let’s assume the former. Call the doctor. And, while you’re at it, call a responsible adult to be there with you, since you’re obviously not quite on the job just yet.
5. How do we prevent the baby from getting sick in the first place? Don’t have kids. Seriously, if you have a child, he/she will get sick as sure as night follows day and as sure as celebrities all eventually go to rehab.
6. If the baby is sick, how long should we let him sleep before we wake him? Listen to me very closely . . . you NEVER wake a sleeping baby. I don’t care if the United States is under attack by Martians. You put that baby in a stroller or a sling and let it keep sleeping. You got it?
7. Putting illness aside, how often should we change the baby’s diaper? I recommend every third or fourth day. Are you serious with this question? You change the diaper when it’s dirty as soon as it gets dirty. And, if you think I’m wrong, then you just sit there in a pair of soiled underwear for a couple of hours till this lesson sinks in.
8 Is it okay to breastfeed if I’m sick? Are we talking mental illness here? Because I’ve seen you in action, and, frankly, I question your sanity.
9. I notice that our baby seems to smile when he looks in the mirror. What’s that about? My guess is that he’s just so thrilled he doesn’t look like you or your husband, he can’t stop smiling.
10. My wife and I just had a baby boy a month ago. Do you have a piece of advice I can pass on to my son? Yep, here goes, it’s in 3 parts: (1) Floss your teeth at least once per day; (2) Be kind to animals, babies, and senior citizens; (3) In life, you should do what you love, so long as what you love is being an investment banker. If what you love doesn’t pay high 6 figures or 7 figures per year, then you should learn to love doing something else.
For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues
When Ivan hears parenting like this he just stands up and gets in people's faces.
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