My wife and I have a newborn son named Ivan.  He is 16 weeks old, and we love him  dearly.  Of all the things we love about him is the fact that he is wise beyond his years.

 

Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date).

 

So, he has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter with tips.  He calls the newsletter:

 

News From The Crib (#18):

 

1.         Our baby is about to start day care.  How do we ease separation anxiety?  Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.  I’m sure you’ll be able to make it through the day without the baby. . . .  Oh, wait, you meant how would the baby do?  I have news: the baby can’t wait to escape your clutches.

 

2.         What’s the most useless baby gear? Parents.

 

3.         Our baby is about to have his first birthday.  How should my husband and I celebrate?  You guys should go on an extended vacation.  Leave the baby home alone, so he can finally get some peace and quiet without you up his butt constantly.

 

4.         What’s the best way to deal with colic?  Come over here and pull my finger, and I’ll show you.

 

5.         Now that we have a newborn, my husband and I barely sleep.  What should we do?  Get used to it.

 

6.         What’s the most surefire way to make our new baby laugh?  You have access to a short pier?  Good.  Take a long walk on it.  Make sure to video the event.  That’ll keep the baby laughing for a long, long time.  You may even go viral on YouTube.

 

7.         In my job I work from home.  Now that the baby’s here, how do I continue to be a  work-from-home mom?  Guess what?  You don’t work from home anymore.  Now you work at home.  Your new job title is “tireless, unpaid, unappreciated servant.”

 

8.         Do you have any good postpartum diet tips?  Yep – every time you sit down for a meal, just remind yourself that the baby’s on the outside now.  Your days of eating for 2 are over.  Now go take a look at yourself in the mirror naked and see if the sight of you without clothes makes you sick.  If that doesn’t work, remember that every dollar of food you put in your mouth is one less dollar for junior’s college education.  So, if your son doesn’t become a doctor, it’s because you couldn’t stop eating ice cream . . . fat-ass.

 

9.         Do you have any recommendations for movies to watch with our baby?  Yes, absolutely.  Finally a topic I can sink my  teeth into:  Okay, here you go:  All the President’s Men; Munich; Schindler’s List; Godfather; Godfather II; Star Wars (original); Last Tango in Paris; Casablanca; Apocalypse Now; Marathon Man; Jaws; Raging Bull; Goodfellas; and Alvin & The Chipmunks.

 

10.         Now that our baby has been born, do you have any advice for me as a new mom?  Yep.  Leave the husband.  Take the cannoli (and the baby).

 

For more of Ivan’s parenting tips, please tune in regularly and see past issues