Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine who’s also a dad, and he suggested that dads were sort of “bit” players in the drama that is family life.  I argued with him, suggesting that dads were in fact very necessary.

Who takes out the garbage? Who carries the luggage?  Who teaches the kid how to curse without actually saying the curse words so that they can curse in public?

The answer to all those questions is “dad.”

See, we are necessary.  And, in fact, I argued, we are possessors of wisdom and advice that by its very nature can only come from us and not from mom, which makes us an integral part of the equation.

So, without further ado, here is some “fatherly” advice and wisdom, that demonstrates that dear old dad is really important.

1.  If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.  If you teach him to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.  If you rub a fish all over him, you’ll always know where he is, and he’ll never, ever, ever be able to sneak up on you.

2. Are women really smarter? I don’t know, but do you really want to argue with a woman to try and prove she’s wrong about that?  Do yourself a favor, smile, say “you’re absolutely right” and go have a beer.  You’ll live a longer, happier life.

3. Drinking never solved any problems.  But, every so often, a glass of whiskey can really sandpaper those problems down to size.

4. Remember that besides being respectful of others and the world we live in, moving your bowels is probably the single most important thing you can do every day.

5. If you fight with a guy, you might win, but you might lose.  If you share your sandwich with him, you’ll never lose. Especially if you buy him a beer to go with it.

6. When in doubt, talk about weather or traffic, never religion or politics (except you are allowed to take the lord’s name in vain to curse out politicians).

7. Remember dreams are important. Accordingly, you should sleep as much as possible.

8. It’s true that honey catches more flies than vinegar.  On the other hand, some people really are assholes, and they need to be reminded of that from time to time.

9. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  The shortest distance to a really good relationship dispute is “constructive” criticism.

10. For every dollar you spend on a luxury item or an impulse purchase, you should put a dollar in the bank.  That way, one day you’ll have enough money to hire a hauling company to cart away all that sh*t you bought, never used and which is taking up useful closet space.