My wife and I have an 18-month old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#93) – Dinner Time
1. Our son is 18 months old, and he is a finicky eater. What should we do? Maybe you should let someone else – someone who can actually cook – prepare his meals.
2. Should we force our child to eat meat, or is it okay for him to be a vegetarian like us? Well he can be a vegetarian, but he should not be like you, not unless you want him to be weird, friendless and alone.
3. Is it okay to feed kids tomato? Yes, particularly if you like cleaning splattered tomato off the floor.
4. How can we get our child to eat broccoli? The same way you get anyone else to eat it – serve nothing else but broccoli for a week. Eventually, out of sheer hunger, the broccoli will be consumed. However, you will be hated and despised by your child for the rest of his or her natural life.
5. Why do kids play with their food? If the choice is eat what you serve or play with it, anyone in their right mind would opt for “play.”
6. Where do they sell “gluten-free” baby food? In the same aisle in which they also provide medication for people who are ridiculous and have too much time on their hands.
7. My husband says we should put our son on the “Paleo” diet. Is that okay? I think you should ask your husband to lead by example – e.g., ask him to go hunt and gather some steaks. Then remind him that visiting the meat department at the grocery is not hunting.
8. How many calories does a toddler need each day? Depends on whether they need to run away from home or whether walking away will do.
9. My in-laws give the baby treats against my wishes. How do I stop them? Most young parents have found that asking in-laws to change poopy diapes will drive away the nosiest in-laws. If that doesn’t work, you could try calling them f**king a***oles, with sh*t for brains and that might work, at least temporarily.
10. How do we know when our toddler is full at each meal? When the tater tots start flying, that means “done.”