As any married person knows, marriage changes sex.  As any married person with a child knows, having a kid changes sex even more.  For those of you considering getting married and having a child, feel free to call 1-800-PSYCHIATRY for a free mental health evaluation.

However, if your mind is made up and your set on taking the plunge as my wife and I and countless others have, here is a handy-dandy guide to what your sex life will be like:

1.  Sex Redefined: When you’re married with a toddler, you will not feel sexy nor will you have much time for sex. Accordingly, you will find yourself redefining what it means to have sex.  Uninterrupted masturbation when no one else is home counts as sex.  Watching a movie together while eating popcorn and getting a little bit drunk and your child doesn’t wake up to interrupt also counts as sex.  If you or your spouse looks at the other standing there naked and doesn’t immediately think “Jesus, put some clothes on” that counts as sex too.  If by some miracle you actually have actual sex as in intercourse, that counts as kinky sex that is borderline illegal.

2. Sexuality Redefined: If a good-looking person of the gender to which you are attracted mentions that you have a cute kid, that means you are hot.  If they say that babies generally are fun you are no longer hot but you are do-able in a pinch.  If they say “excuse me but could you do something about your child” it means that not only are you no longer do-able, you are no longer do-able even if you were the last person on Earth and the other person had no one else to do.

3. Sex as a Priority: As a married person, your priorities change.  As a parent, they change even more.  When you’re a married parent of a toddler, sex ranks about as high as buying birthday gifts for people you don’t know.   On the other hand, going to the bathroom alone with the door closed and your favorite reading material in hand skyrockets to #4 position right after oxygen, water and food.

4. Sexual Positions: As a single person, you were captivated by the infinite positions detailed in the Kama Sutra.  The Monkey in the Barrel.  The Squirrel and the Meerkat.  The Elephant and the Hippopotamus.  When you’re a toddler-parent there is but one sexual position – “okay, let’s get this going. The baby’s going to be awake in 2 minutes.”

5. Sex Toys: Remember those days when you were trolling the sex shops and the Internet looking for some giant appliance with which you could violate the body of your sexual companion?  Well, those days are gone.  Now, a sex toy is when you roll over in bed and a little plastic Old MacDonald figurine kind of goes up your ass.

6. Sexy Clothes: In your single days you may have experimented with Victoria’s Secret or even gone further with crotchless panties and buttless chaps.  Well welcome to toddler parenting where the sexiest thing you can wear if you’re a woman is a sweatshirt with no bra underneath that hides your gut and sweatpants that can be pulled off in a hurry.  If you’re a guy, anything clean will no doubt excite your woman into paroxysms of orgiastic frenzy.

7.  Getting in the Mood: Here’s one where toddler-parents have the edge.  Single people need music and mood-altering substances (e.g., alcohol, pot, Ecstasy, Molly, Rufees, etc).  For the toddler-parent, getting in the mood is easy — just take the kid out of the house and leave the parents home alone.  They will have sex in every room of the house . . . or, at least one.

8. Sexual Prowess: When we’re single and dating, we’re out to impress people.  Men want to show they can last a long time and make women orgasm time and time again.  Women want to show men that they can be a little freaky without being absolutely disgusting.  When you’re a toddler-parent, the pressure is off.  All anyone cares about is if you can remember how to do it.

9. Sex Tapes: I can’t even write this with a straight face. Bottom line: no one and I mean NO ONE wants to see toddler-parents going at it.  Not them, not their kids, not the ghosts of their dead relatives who have been hanging around the house wondering what’s going on with the family, not any member of the general public.

10. Reproduction: Look if you’re a toddler-parent, you’ve pulled the curtain back and you’ve seen Oz for what he really is, not a great Wizard, but a 3 year old who doesn’t listen and has “accidents” constantly. That’s not magical. That’s not a technicolor wonderland. That’s not a place where wishes come true and you get to wear cool, gem-encrusted slippers.  That’s a land filled with snot-covered toys, sleep-deprived days, and enough anxiety to keep the medical profession in business into eternity.  Now, if after experiencing all that, you want to do all that again, all I can say is: when you’re trying to get pregnant, you better have some dang fun and do it doggystyle at least once. 🙂